Faith
by whitereflections12
Summary: With your life I don't want to take any chances... Please, Bella, don't do this." Carlisle has a talk with Bella about giving up her child to save herself. Angsty, but also slightly...not quite 'fluffy' but...comforting.


And here is yet another of those ideas that came to me in that first week after reading Breaking Dawn, my time without my computer. lol I think this is almost the last one…if I remember correctly at the moment, there's only one more. But, of course, since then I've gotten a couple of other ideas which I may go ahead and write, because I'm in a very Twilight-writing mood lately. Which makes me feel guilty in a way, because I have sooo many other stories I need to be working on. I can be a very bad author sometimes. :sigh:

Alright. So, this is basically just some angst-y father/daughter Carlisle and Bella, during her pregnancy. It's implied in the book that Carlisle tried to talk her out of her decision to keep Renesmee as well, but we never get to _see_ that. Here's my take.

Nope, I don't own them. Which is probably good, because it would be VERY hard to restrain myself from taking Carlisle from Esme…and considering how much he loves her, that would be very wrong.

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**Bella**

I knew what he had come for before he was even all the way in the room, knew by the way his eyes met Edward's and Edward nodded tightly, jaw clenched. Rosalie was on her feet in a flash, hovering over me in a protective stance that felt strange. It was usually Edward who threw himself in front of me like that, hunched over in that same way, his face just as intense. No one had ever had to protect me from …from him before. I couldn't even think his name, not in that context. I didn't want to believe it, even though I knew well enough how true it was.

He released my hand, moving to pull away from the couch but I couldn't bear the loss of contact silently. "Edward…." It was enough. His head snapped away from Carlisle and to me at the pain in my voice, his eyes softening.

"It's alright, love, I promise. But Carlisle wants to speak with you, and Rose won't leave you in the room with both of us. I'll have to leave. I'll be right outside on the porch, I swear it."

Rosalie snarled, lips curling back to show her perfect teeth. I truly had never pictured her like this before. "Right. I don't care where you go, I'm not leaving her with him. I'm not thick enough not to know he's more than capable of doing it alone."

It. I trembled, my arms coming up of their own accord to wrap around my abdomen. _It's alright. We're alright. _It was the only thing I could think, now, when I was frightened. I hoped he couldn't feel my fear, though, and if he could…if he could, I hoped somehow he could hear the comfort as well. As crazy as that sounded.

"I give you my word I won't do anything now." Carlisle's voice was soft, calming. I relaxed against my better judgment. I looked up, and he held his hands out, palm up. "See? I'm just here to…" His eyes slipped from Rosalie to me, and I could see a shadow of the pain that haunted Edward in their depths. "To talk to my daughter. I can do that, can't I?"

His daughter. Warmth filled me at the words, tears stinging my eyes. I looked down at the pattern of the quilt tucked around my legs, studying the thread and blinking rapidly to force them back. I was luckier than I could have ever dared dream. When I found Edward, it hadn't just been him that I'd gained. No matter how much I loved Charlie, our relationship was one of distance. Did I love him? Absolutely. More than I could ever say. But had I come to love Carlisle just as much? Yes. Our relationship had grown over the past few months, the more I become one of the family. We were closer than I had ever been with Charlie, though that had a lot to do with their contrasting natures. I couldn't imagine Carlisle keeping anyone at arm's length. No, I already knew that I loved 

him. Knew in my heart that he was in every way a second father to me. What I hadn't expected, what I hadn't even known, was how much it would affect me to hear that from him. A stray tear slipped from my eyelashes and I rubbed it frantically away, hopefully before Edward noticed.

"Bella, love?" No such luck, and I hated the frantic tone in his voice.

"No, I'm fine, I just…" I couldn't look at Edward, not then. I had seen the agony on his face more than enough over the past few days. "Rose, it's alright. I want to talk to Carlisle."

Her growling ceased, her posturing easing ever so slightly, though her eyes never left the doorway where he still stood. "Bella, I don't think this is a good idea. It could be a trick."

"Rosalie, have I ever lied to you?" His voice was as soft as ever, though it was edged with a slight accusation.

She shifted slightly, biting her lip. "…No. But this is different."

Different, and also my decision. "You can go outside and watch Edward. I trust Carlisle." I looked back to his eyes as I said the words, registered a tiny spark in otherwise dim eyes when I said I trusted him. I was glad to see that that meant something to him.

There was a moment of tense silence, Rosalie's heavy breathing the only sound. Then… "Alright, Edward. You go first. I'll be watching you, and if I see even the slightest hint that he's not keeping his word-"

"You don't have to worry." Carlisle interrupted her smoothly, leaving his place at the door to come toward us. "I'll keep my word."

Her eyes narrowed, but I could see that she felt at least a little guilty for doubting her father. The worry, however, was still her foremost emotion. It would have been mine, if I hadn't trust Carlisle so completely. While I knew Edward was capable of lying to me to get what he wanted, I was pretty sure Carlisle would tell me nothing but the truth, not even if he thought a lie would save me. Edward stepped forward to leave, but I reached for him just as quickly and he took my hand again automatically, raising it to his lips to press a gentle kiss to my knuckles. "I'll be right outside." His voice still had that hollow tone, the one that I knew he tried to keep out of it.

I swallowed hard, nodding. I couldn't watch as his hand slipped from mine. They made no noise leaving except for the click of the door. It was then that I looked up, into the eyes of my new father. "I'm feeling alright." I knew that would be his first question. It had been every time he saw me since we had come home. He smiled a little, a ghost of his real smile. I missed that one. He stood uncertainly to my right, leaning against the arm of the other couch. I wanted him closer than that, more informal. Whatever he had to say, and I had a pretty good idea what at least part of it would be, he didn't have to worry about upsetting me. I expected it. "Sit down with me?" I had meant it as a statement, but it came out as a question.

In one fluid movement he sat on the couch beside me, one cool hand resting on my knee. "Are you sure you're feeling alright? You can tell me the truth, Edward isn't here."

I nodded, looking down. "I mean, a little nauseated, but the medicine you gave me earlier has helped that a lot. I think I'm hungry though, but I don't want anything, really." Because every time I ate I got sicker. I was absolutely ravenous to be honest, but he didn't need to know that. And besides, I was smart enough to know that Edward was probably listening.

"Good." His hand slid up to brush my bangs from my forehead, pressing his palm to my skin. "You're a little warm, but nothing to be concerned about yet." Yet. So he was anticipating a fever. 

He must have read the question in my eyes. "The body tends to reject anything it deems foreign and this…" He tried to find a word that wouldn't upset me, and yet was one he could bear to say. "It won't be accepted by your body as human because it isn't. You may develop the symptoms of infection, of rejection. Whether or not it will go beyond symptoms into actual rejection I have no way of knowing."

I was silent while I digested that, my fingers twisting together. His words were mingling in my head now, and I felt sick to my stomach as I began to grasp what he'd left unsaid. "You mean…I could lose the baby anyway."

"It's a possibility, Bella. One you should know." His voice was so soft, so soothing. It felt so good to hear it like this. The day I had come home had been possibly the worst of my life. I had never seen Edward so out of control, but I _had_ seen him lose his control before. It wasn't entirely unexpected. He had faced off against Rosalie, ready to fight. But Emmett had taken her side, of course, and it had been Carlisle that stepped in beside Edward, snarling right along with him. Carlilse. I had never imagined to see him angry, never imagined to hear him yell at _Esme_ of all people. But he had, however briefly. She had stepped in front of him, he had yelled at her to stay out of it, then immediately recognized his actions. He had begged her forgiveness, all the fight gone out of him. And Edward had lost his only chance at an even fight.

My mind drifted back to the present, to his words. Even fighting for them, I could lose my little nudger. My arms clutched against myself tighter, my whole body rebelling at the thought. No. No, he was wrong. I wouldn't reject Edward's child. Not even my body could do that. Call it mother's intuition, but I just knew. "That won't happen." My words were a whisper, my head shaking. "It won't."

"And you believe that enough to risk your life?" There was no anger there, simply calm curiosity. So different from discussing this with Edward.

I shifted, curled tighter into a ball. My little nudger kicked against me and I winced, rubbing the sore spot. Something flashed in his eyes and his hands were covering mine, wanting to tug them away, to see the bruise that we both knew would be forming underneath. I wouldn't have minded showing him, but it didn't matter. He had seen them before. They had started yesterday. "It's alright. Just a stretch. And…I do. I believe it. With everything I have."

"Bella…" He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees, his head falling into his hands. It was the first fear I had seen in him since he had come in, and it tore at my heart. I swallowed hard, wishing I knew something, _anything_, to say that would ease his pain. Some way to make him understand. When he spoke his words were muffled, his face still covered. "Bella, please, don't do this." He sighed, readjusting his hands to the side of his face, acting as blinders to shield his golden eyes. "I don't have to tell you that you mean the world to Edward-more than that. More than anything. But what I'm not sure you're grasping is what this is doing to him. He…he thinks that he's killed you. And while I could never blame him for something he didn't know, he may in one sense be right. I can't do everything, Bella. God, I wish I could. But I can't promise that I can get you through this. You can't trust me too much." His hands dropped then, his eyes boring into mine, burning gold. "You don't know how it hurts me to say that. To tell you that I can't take care of you when it's what I should be able to do. When I want nothing more than to always be able to shield you, all of you. to not have to take anything away from you. I don't want to hurt you, Bella, and I know that you've made up your mind. I understand that losing…losing this chance will be painful. But please understand, I wouldn't ask it of you if I didn't think it was the only way. It's the only way I can be sure of. And with your life, I don't want to take any chances. You see as a doctor I could be detached, go with whatever my patient chose. It might bother me, but I could let it go. Here, I can't help but be a little selfish. It's too personal, too close. I can't just let go when I know it could mean 

losing you. And while you might think you've been with us a long time now, it's only been a moment…and to lose you so soon after we've found you…" He shook his head, slow. "That would be agony. So what I ask is in part to spare myself that pain. I love you. Please, Bella…don't do this."

It was a moment before I realized I was crying, and I wouldn't have known even then if he hadn't brought his hand to my cheek, his thumb gently brushing the tears away. I didn't know exactly what to say, or even if I could speak, but I let the words begin to tumble from my lips in whatever order they might fall. "I love you, too, you have to know that." The words were thick with my tears, more full of sorrow than I had expected. He nodded, slid closer to wrap his arms around me. I went willingly, laying my head against his cold shoulder. For a moment I couldn't say anymore, could do nothing but cry, my face pressed into his shirt. This was so different from being held by Edward, this was a comfort I had never had. I had never regretted that Charlie wasn't the overtly emotional type until now. I didn't know what I'd been missing. Carlisle's arms felt like safety, strength, but not in the way I was used to. It was like being a little girl again. It felt natural and safe, comfortable. An old memory resurfaced from one of Renee's church fads, a verse about being held in the arms of a shepherd. It sounded right. If this was the sort of comfort people found in religion, I really had been missing out. After some indeterminate amount of time my tears slowed and I trusted myself enough to speak again. Not that I was any more certain of what I would say, exactly. I picked up where I'd left off. "I do love you, Carlisle, and I do trust you. I always trust you." Something clicked then, and I thought I might have found a way to make him understand. "But the love part…that's exactly why you should understand what I'm doing." I shifted to look up at him, poured all my sincerity, my heart into my words. "I can't think of an accurate scenario, but say…say Edward was in danger, and you had the ability to keep him safe. You could protect him. It might take your own life, but no one could be sure of that. You could even both die in the process. Now everyone else would say that you should let Edward go to save yourself, but could you do that? Even knowing you were hurting everyone else that loved you, could you…could you kill your own son?"

He flinched, his eyes closing, and I knew I had at least sort of gotten through. He took a deep breath, then two. "You know, you're a very good debater. Perhaps you should consider a career in law."

"Take me seriously."

"I am, but I don't want to." His eyes opened. "You're right. I would die for Edward. For any of you." My moment of triumph was short lived. "_But_…Edward is right about one thing, Bella. We don't even know…_what_ this is. I know you don't want to hear it, but it could be a true monster. One of the uncontrollable kind. And that wouldn't be worth your life."

My nudger moved, and, as he still held me, I knew he could feel it too. I rubbed my hand across my womb, comfortingly. _It's alright. It's alright._ "Do you really believe that?" My voice was hushed, my eyes still on my hand where I had felt the movement. "Think about it. This is _our_ baby. Mine and Edward's. Your grandchild." I looked at him, knowing that would have some effect. It did. His face tightened in pain, and I knew this was something he had been trying very hard not to think. "If there's even a possibility that I'm right, that this is just our baby, could you really take their life? How could you? Do you think Edward would really be alright with that, once he understood? He wouldn't be mourning me anymore, but his child. And he'd take that blame on himself too. If you're right and I die, either way he's still losing something precious, it'll still hurt him." This last part was the most important part, and I gained strength from knowing how true it felt. "Or I'm completely right, and I can do this. I can be strong enough, last long enough to give birth. After, one of you can change me. But I can keep my heart beating until then. And then no one loses anything. And we can be a family." My voice broke on the end, my heart aching for that. A family. _All_ of us. "Please, Carlisle."

He bowed his head, defeated. "I don' t know. I don't know who is right. I wish I did. I wish you were. But I just don't know, Bella. I hate not knowing." He sounded bitter, and I was a little surprised. He never voiced his troubles, not to us. To Esme, I was sure, but hardly ever to anyone else… "I've studied medicine for centuries. I should be able to give you a guarantee." It echoed his words when he had first sat down. So he took some of the blame. _Well_ I though, sarcastically, _at least it isn't ALL on Edward._ They were both so ridiculous.

"Hey…" I wanted him to look at me, however tired I might of anguish-tinged gold. "I know you'll take care of me. I trust you. You'll do whatever you can. And that's enough. I'll do what I can, and we'll be ok."

"I wish I had your faith." Now that must have been a first, Carlisle wishing for someone else's faith. He didn't know, couldn't know how much I wished I had his. No matter what I said, I was frightened. I didn't want to die. I didn't know what to expect. He, at least, had a good relationship with God. He knew where he was going.

"You have more than I could ever have. I just have it about certain things. Not everything." It wouldn't hurt to tell him, at least a little…after all, there was no one else in the house I could tell. "Carlisle, do you promise you'll respect my decision? And anything else I say, you won't tell Edward?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose, hard. I wondered who had gotten that from whom. When he spoke, it seemed to drain him. "Yes. I promise I'll respect your wishes. And anything you say is between us, I promise. You can tell me anything."

I buried my face in his shoulder again, unable to look at him or anything else when I said the words. "I'm frightened." It was even fainter than I expected, but I knew he heard me from the way his arms tightened around me. "I think it'll be alright, but you're right I can't know for sure…and I'm afraid to die, I don't know what…I don't know what'll happen to me. More than that, I don't want Edward to die, and I know he will. I know he'll go back to the Volturi, and I won' t be here to stop him, and I'm trying not to think about it all but when I do, it scares me."

He didn't speak at first, though his hands rubbed my back soothing. My breath had grown panicked without me even realizing it, but his gentleness calmed me. "Faith comes in the most useful when we're afraid, but it's also then that it's the hardest to come by. As for me, I believe that God gives us everything else that will help us make it through, but faith is the one we must provide on our own. The gift we have to off Him in return. Not that that makes it any easier." He sighed. "I know I'm probably not being very helpful, and I wish I knew exactly what to tell you. All that I can say is that I'm frightened, too. You aren't alone, and even though I can't answer your questions, I can't answer them for myself either."

It wasn't comforting, exactly, but it was enough. He was, as always, offering the best that he could. "Thank you."

"Mm." He trailed his fingers through my hair, rested his chin on top of my head. "You know, I still have the Bible my father gave me when I came of age. I went back to my room when he was asleep, took it from beside my bed. He hadn't touched any of my things. While I didn't agree with him, religion is subjective in so many ways. The book itself has never been anything less than a source of truth for me. Of comfort. I could bring it down, for you. If you like."

Yes. I would like that very much. Just to take a look. "Yeah. Thanks."

He kissed my forehead, all tenderness. "I believe Rose is about to devour Edward outside. Or tear down the door. We should let them back in now."

He was right, but I was comfortable, and actually pretty tired. "Can you stay with me?"

"As long as you like."

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:cuddles Carlisle: I just love him so much. He's good at everything. Husband, father, grandfather…

Anyway, this turned out a little differently than I thought, but I actually love it. and I got it done surprisingly fast too!

As always, I ADORE your reviews, so let me know what you thought!

Thank you!


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